Who is the monster and who is the man?

I guess I just felt the need to write something, and I didn't really know what, or why for that matter. It's funny - should a writer have to know why the want to write something or should they just write it? And if they're just going to write it, does it really matter what they've written unless they had a reason for writing it? I guess my brain is just majorly working over time or something like that, because I just can't seem to catch a break. Like, at all. It feels like I'm about to totally swerve off of my train tracks or something like that, and there's no warning for when its going to happen...

Honestly I think I discovered something true about myself today, and I don't think that I like it. I don't think that I like it one bit: I'm scared of everything. Everything. The only difference being is that sometimes I have more control over my fear than I do at other times... unfortunately "other times" seem to be cropping up more and more and closer together than they used to when I was little... before i learned to be afraid of so many things. For instance, a few minutes ago it occurred to me: I'll be a junior this year, and though sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of excitement about this, there are other times where all I can feel is the utter terror of the idea. And then, in considering that I would be a junior, I realized that we were coming up on the year 2011. Which is only one year away from 2012. Now I try not to be superstitious about that kind of thing, but... I just can't help but be scared of the idea sometimes, you know? I guess in some part of everyone its just natural human instinct. I mean I know there have been 'prophecies' or whatever, time and time again, predicting the end of the world or whatever - I lived through whatever that thing in 1999 was? But I was too young to remember it, or fear it for that matter, I don't think I'd ever even heard of it until last year when mom told me about it. But I just can't shake that uneasy feeling... and I hate it. It stops me from doing so many things that I want to do, or at least try to do.

I went to Williamsburg with my family and I had a panic attack there. Why? I couldn't tell you. Because I wasn't home? I had people I knew there with me, people who loved and cared about me, and even then... even then I was panicked. And at the mall with my BFFL, even then, for a brief while, I got struck by a panic I couldn't place. And even sometimes like now, when I'm sitting in my room, I'll be at home, in a place I'm so familiar with, and even then there's no totally escaping it. I am so sick of it holding me back, but I just can't seem to do anything more about it - and trust me, dammit, have I tried.

And do you know, do you know what makes it worse? When I say I'm having a panic attack and people are just like "Calm down!" Well you know what, FUCK THAT. It doesn't work like that, not at all! If I had the ability to make myself be calm, trust me, I would be doing it already! I mean, who wants to feel that way? Its not like I have a choice in the matter or anything like that, and its not like I can just "calm down". People don't get that it seriously hurts... I become physically sick. I pass out sometimes. I just.. hate how people can't honestly take an emotional problem as something that can seriously make you sick. But you know what? I wouldn't, not for one day, honestly wish that kind of pain on someone. I wouldn't. Because it wouldn't be right, and I'd feel terrible knowing that I'd inflicted it on someone else. Do I want them to understand, yeah, fuck yeah, but I mean... that would just be terrible to suffer through. Trust me, I know.

And on another note: People who make decisions, and make choices, have to live with their consequences. So if you realize that, why do you keep trying to change it without changing a damn thing? Because it doesn't work that way. It goes one way, or it goes the other. It doesn't help to say you're sorry when you're not, because if you were honestly sorry you would feel like you'd made a mistake, and you'd change it. But you don't think you've made a mistake, and so it doesn't matter how much you miss me. It's not like you're sorry. Just because you're sad doesn't mean that you're sorry. And it doesn't mean that you've tried to fix a damn thing. You're theo ne at fault here, no one else, and to be honest the only reason no one has said a damn thing about it is because they're afraid of hurting someone's feelings - not necessarily yours. But in general, of ruining everything. Not like there's much left to ruin anyways, it's basically gone through the mill once or twice. But seriously, a wake up call is needed, and were it not for the sake of having to preserve feelings here, trust me, you would be getting one. This isn't me trying to be mean. But seriously? Seriously. Wake up. Hypocrisy doesn't flatter you, and excuses are getting old.

Georgiana <3