The Heart: It beats, it freezes, it breaks.

Me? Yeah. I've got a problem with love. I've got a major problem with love, and you know what the sad part about it is? Most of my problems with it that I've had previously with it all aren't even my fucking problems. They're everyone elses. EVERY. ONE. ELSES. I'd like to think that I'm the kind of person that people can come to with their problems and things like that. I like to think that I'm the kind of person that people can be seriously honest with about things. And that makes me happy sometimes because it makes me think that I must have done something right, that I must have done something to give them a reason to trust me.

But sometimes its just like... wow. I've been hearing the same things from the same people for so long, that I already know what they're going to say before they say it. As soon as I see that expression on their faces, or notice the way that they're typing something... I know exactly what the problem is. You know, I'd love to say that my first instinct is to become gravely worried about them. But it's not. It's the desire to slap them and scream "GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALL READY GOD DAMMIT I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO THIS SHIT FOR MONTHS AND ITS ALWAYS THE SAME THING, IT'S NOT EVEN A NEW PROBLEM! YOU SAY THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN WORD FOR WORD AND I AM SICK OF IT! IT'S MAKING MY EARS BLEED!" But to be honest, I'm too nice of a person to say that. I can be a bitch sometimes, and I'll admit it. I won't try to deny that - it would be pointless to. But I'm too nice to do that. Especially to someone I care about.

I mean, it isn't that I don't care. I do, obviously I do, or I wouldn't be sloshing through something on that note with someone. I do care. But there is only so much that one person can take of one topic for so long, you know what I mean? It's like having a song on repeat for a few days, or even only a few hours - by that point you know all the words, you've heard the melody before, and eventually you just get sick of it, and you can't listen to that song one more fucking time, or your brain might explode. There's just only so much one person can take. And trust me, at the moment, this is just barely touching the tip of the heap that is currently on my mind - and god is it smothering. It's just pressing down on my brain and my heart, and my lungs, and it's making me feel ridiculously low, over something(s) that is probably ridiculous to feel this way over.

And then there's the fact that everywhere I seem to turn I'm seeing romance. Fine. Whatver. That's great. Good for you. But do me a favor and get some class, keep it private so the rest of us don't have to see it. Just because you're saying something online and you aren't right next to the other person doesn't mean that PDA over the computer isn't still PDA. So just cut it out or keep it private, because either way, you're making me fucking wretch. Kthnx.

And then there's the whole kind of issue with the me always being alone in the fact that I don't date. No one else gets it. They say they do, but no, they honestly don't. They might sympathize or empathize with me, for a while, but they don't understand it. At all. And there's no way that they ever possible could because they aren't me. Someone can say that they don't date, but going on hiatus, or taking a break doesn't mean that you don't date. It just means you're taking a break. When I say I don't date, I mean that I have not as well as I will not. I don't plan on it. It's not the way that my mind operates. Or my body for that matter. No one will understand the fear that comes along with me considering dating. If I know someone like-likes me, I get nervous and twitchy. If that goes away and I get comfortable with the idea, because I realize I have control over what happens, well it doesn't last long especially if I actually get asked out. Then I feel absolutely terrible. Full-blown panic attack. Shaking knees, sick to my stomach, sweaty palms, and if it gets really bad, even a fever. It just happens. I literally get sick, especially if I say yes. The one time I said yes to someone in seventh grade, that's what happened.

In seventh or eighth grade when I thought I might give a guy a chance, the same thing happened, though it didn't help he kept trying to kiss me when I didn't want to be kissed. So yes, I am sixteen. No I do not date. Yes, I have never been kissed. And the vast majority of the time I am perfectly okay with this - It doesn't bother me, and in fact I prefer it. It's a good sense of freedom, you know?

And yet even then throughout all of this, I am still an absolute sap. I'm a hopeless romantic. Mostly? It's just not fair. I have these great and beautiful fantasies of things that I'd want to have happen to me. But I get so scared, and because of that I half think they never will. Maybe my fantasies are far too great to live up to any realistic expectations. Maybe it doesn't help that somewhere in the back of my mind I think there's a part of me that thinks all boys have ulterior motives. Maybe I just think the world is fucked up. I don't know. But it makes me sad to think that I'm so scared of change that it will never happen. And it makes me sad to think that I'll always be alone. There's nothing you can say, no matter who you are, to make me believe otherwise in this sense. I know you're there for me. But sometimes a person needs more.