I am the coolest girl in the whole wide world
I know it but can't show it at all.
I am sick and tired of not knowing the places where I should belong
Its about time to prove them wrong
Give me a shot to show what I've got,
I'm a hell of a whole lot more
Than this frizzy hair,
These frumpy clothes I wear.
I am done with losing, on with choosing:
The coolest girl on the face of the planet,
The coolest bitch on earth god dammit,
The coolest chick you've ever seen or heard,
And you can try to break me down
But sorry guys, I'm sticking around,
I've thought about it and I've found
That I am the coolest
Girl.
A Very Potter Sequel <3.
Musing's of a: liberal republican/conservative democrat, choral student, dreamer, artist, writer, philosophical teenager... isn't than an oxymoron?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Epic awesomeness
It has been discovered that me and my friend Tim are made of epic awesomeness. We discovered this in our conversation on the phone, both very tired and not feeling our best near 11:44 at night before a school day. We discovered this quite easily and we have arrived at the conclusion that we form an epically awesome team, and when people see us, they cannot help but be awed by our awesomeness. They're just like "hey. god. they're so effing awesome."
Because we're epically awesome.
Obviously.
- Georgiana <3
Because we're epically awesome.
Obviously.
- Georgiana <3
I am me, I am not me.
Sometimes I look into a mirror and I don’t find myself looking back at me. It is my face in many ways, and yet there is something there that is completely and utterly foreign to me. It’s literally as though another person were hiding behind the glass of the mirror, and looking at me instead of my reflection. There is something peculiar about the whites of my eyes that don’t seem quite right: there is something there that stands out to me and yet blends in with the rest of my features. It is I. It is not I. I am not sure who this person is, or why they are lurking in the shadows of the whites of my eyes. I am not sure why they hide behind the darkness cast on my face by a dark curtain of hair falling in front of it. I am puzzled by the cold ring of grey that circles the green of my irises and keeps the color trapped within a wall, for that is not I, either. The more I stare at myself, the hollower I become. Shadows pitted at the shallow areas of my face, pressing deeper into my skin. Her lips part, as do mine. And yet I cannot help but thing that the two of us were going to say completely different things, following the same train of thought that lead me to this puzzling conclusion. I am me. I am not me.
- Georgiana <3
- Georgiana <3
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Well, it's not Hogwarts
That's for sure. First day of school was today, and it actually wasn't too terribly bad. I really think that I'm going to like my writing through literature class, as well as my chorus class - my teacher is a new one, and he seems pretty damn cool to me. We're allowed to call him Mr. G, and for the purposes of this blog that's what I'm going to call him. I think I'm going to like that class best, maybe tied with writing through literature. Most my chorus class (me included) thinks that he's gay - not that we're bothered by it, we just want to know, you know? We're a school for the arts, so we're very tolerant and more accepting than most other schools, I think. But there's no way we'd ask - we're not going to be rude, and it's not really any of our business, even if we are dying to know.
And this yer my plan is to try to be much more organized and well rounded than I was last year. I don't want to sacrifice my free time outside of school, but this is my junior year, and I HAVE to get good grades. I seriously might just die if I don't - cause this is, of course, the year they count for college. That kind of sucks, but I mean I knew that life was going to catch up with me eventually... anyways.
I woke up this morning nervous about my junior year. The first thing I told myself was "there's no use in being scared", and quickly realized that I was right. There really isn't any use in being scared - there might be reason for it, sure, but no use. And after that I felt okay. Hopefully I've found my new mantra for the new school year - gotta love it.
- Georgiana <3
And this yer my plan is to try to be much more organized and well rounded than I was last year. I don't want to sacrifice my free time outside of school, but this is my junior year, and I HAVE to get good grades. I seriously might just die if I don't - cause this is, of course, the year they count for college. That kind of sucks, but I mean I knew that life was going to catch up with me eventually... anyways.
I woke up this morning nervous about my junior year. The first thing I told myself was "there's no use in being scared", and quickly realized that I was right. There really isn't any use in being scared - there might be reason for it, sure, but no use. And after that I felt okay. Hopefully I've found my new mantra for the new school year - gotta love it.
- Georgiana <3
Saturday, August 21, 2010
The Heart: It beats, it freezes, it breaks.
Me? Yeah. I've got a problem with love. I've got a major problem with love, and you know what the sad part about it is? Most of my problems with it that I've had previously with it all aren't even my fucking problems. They're everyone elses. EVERY. ONE. ELSES. I'd like to think that I'm the kind of person that people can come to with their problems and things like that. I like to think that I'm the kind of person that people can be seriously honest with about things. And that makes me happy sometimes because it makes me think that I must have done something right, that I must have done something to give them a reason to trust me.
But sometimes its just like... wow. I've been hearing the same things from the same people for so long, that I already know what they're going to say before they say it. As soon as I see that expression on their faces, or notice the way that they're typing something... I know exactly what the problem is. You know, I'd love to say that my first instinct is to become gravely worried about them. But it's not. It's the desire to slap them and scream "GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALL READY GOD DAMMIT I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO THIS SHIT FOR MONTHS AND ITS ALWAYS THE SAME THING, IT'S NOT EVEN A NEW PROBLEM! YOU SAY THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN WORD FOR WORD AND I AM SICK OF IT! IT'S MAKING MY EARS BLEED!" But to be honest, I'm too nice of a person to say that. I can be a bitch sometimes, and I'll admit it. I won't try to deny that - it would be pointless to. But I'm too nice to do that. Especially to someone I care about.
I mean, it isn't that I don't care. I do, obviously I do, or I wouldn't be sloshing through something on that note with someone. I do care. But there is only so much that one person can take of one topic for so long, you know what I mean? It's like having a song on repeat for a few days, or even only a few hours - by that point you know all the words, you've heard the melody before, and eventually you just get sick of it, and you can't listen to that song one more fucking time, or your brain might explode. There's just only so much one person can take. And trust me, at the moment, this is just barely touching the tip of the heap that is currently on my mind - and god is it smothering. It's just pressing down on my brain and my heart, and my lungs, and it's making me feel ridiculously low, over something(s) that is probably ridiculous to feel this way over.
And then there's the fact that everywhere I seem to turn I'm seeing romance. Fine. Whatver. That's great. Good for you. But do me a favor and get some class, keep it private so the rest of us don't have to see it. Just because you're saying something online and you aren't right next to the other person doesn't mean that PDA over the computer isn't still PDA. So just cut it out or keep it private, because either way, you're making me fucking wretch. Kthnx.
And then there's the whole kind of issue with the me always being alone in the fact that I don't date. No one else gets it. They say they do, but no, they honestly don't. They might sympathize or empathize with me, for a while, but they don't understand it. At all. And there's no way that they ever possible could because they aren't me. Someone can say that they don't date, but going on hiatus, or taking a break doesn't mean that you don't date. It just means you're taking a break. When I say I don't date, I mean that I have not as well as I will not. I don't plan on it. It's not the way that my mind operates. Or my body for that matter. No one will understand the fear that comes along with me considering dating. If I know someone like-likes me, I get nervous and twitchy. If that goes away and I get comfortable with the idea, because I realize I have control over what happens, well it doesn't last long especially if I actually get asked out. Then I feel absolutely terrible. Full-blown panic attack. Shaking knees, sick to my stomach, sweaty palms, and if it gets really bad, even a fever. It just happens. I literally get sick, especially if I say yes. The one time I said yes to someone in seventh grade, that's what happened.
In seventh or eighth grade when I thought I might give a guy a chance, the same thing happened, though it didn't help he kept trying to kiss me when I didn't want to be kissed. So yes, I am sixteen. No I do not date. Yes, I have never been kissed. And the vast majority of the time I am perfectly okay with this - It doesn't bother me, and in fact I prefer it. It's a good sense of freedom, you know?
And yet even then throughout all of this, I am still an absolute sap. I'm a hopeless romantic. Mostly? It's just not fair. I have these great and beautiful fantasies of things that I'd want to have happen to me. But I get so scared, and because of that I half think they never will. Maybe my fantasies are far too great to live up to any realistic expectations. Maybe it doesn't help that somewhere in the back of my mind I think there's a part of me that thinks all boys have ulterior motives. Maybe I just think the world is fucked up. I don't know. But it makes me sad to think that I'm so scared of change that it will never happen. And it makes me sad to think that I'll always be alone. There's nothing you can say, no matter who you are, to make me believe otherwise in this sense. I know you're there for me. But sometimes a person needs more.
But sometimes its just like... wow. I've been hearing the same things from the same people for so long, that I already know what they're going to say before they say it. As soon as I see that expression on their faces, or notice the way that they're typing something... I know exactly what the problem is. You know, I'd love to say that my first instinct is to become gravely worried about them. But it's not. It's the desire to slap them and scream "GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALL READY GOD DAMMIT I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO THIS SHIT FOR MONTHS AND ITS ALWAYS THE SAME THING, IT'S NOT EVEN A NEW PROBLEM! YOU SAY THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN WORD FOR WORD AND I AM SICK OF IT! IT'S MAKING MY EARS BLEED!" But to be honest, I'm too nice of a person to say that. I can be a bitch sometimes, and I'll admit it. I won't try to deny that - it would be pointless to. But I'm too nice to do that. Especially to someone I care about.
I mean, it isn't that I don't care. I do, obviously I do, or I wouldn't be sloshing through something on that note with someone. I do care. But there is only so much that one person can take of one topic for so long, you know what I mean? It's like having a song on repeat for a few days, or even only a few hours - by that point you know all the words, you've heard the melody before, and eventually you just get sick of it, and you can't listen to that song one more fucking time, or your brain might explode. There's just only so much one person can take. And trust me, at the moment, this is just barely touching the tip of the heap that is currently on my mind - and god is it smothering. It's just pressing down on my brain and my heart, and my lungs, and it's making me feel ridiculously low, over something(s) that is probably ridiculous to feel this way over.
And then there's the fact that everywhere I seem to turn I'm seeing romance. Fine. Whatver. That's great. Good for you. But do me a favor and get some class, keep it private so the rest of us don't have to see it. Just because you're saying something online and you aren't right next to the other person doesn't mean that PDA over the computer isn't still PDA. So just cut it out or keep it private, because either way, you're making me fucking wretch. Kthnx.
And then there's the whole kind of issue with the me always being alone in the fact that I don't date. No one else gets it. They say they do, but no, they honestly don't. They might sympathize or empathize with me, for a while, but they don't understand it. At all. And there's no way that they ever possible could because they aren't me. Someone can say that they don't date, but going on hiatus, or taking a break doesn't mean that you don't date. It just means you're taking a break. When I say I don't date, I mean that I have not as well as I will not. I don't plan on it. It's not the way that my mind operates. Or my body for that matter. No one will understand the fear that comes along with me considering dating. If I know someone like-likes me, I get nervous and twitchy. If that goes away and I get comfortable with the idea, because I realize I have control over what happens, well it doesn't last long especially if I actually get asked out. Then I feel absolutely terrible. Full-blown panic attack. Shaking knees, sick to my stomach, sweaty palms, and if it gets really bad, even a fever. It just happens. I literally get sick, especially if I say yes. The one time I said yes to someone in seventh grade, that's what happened.
In seventh or eighth grade when I thought I might give a guy a chance, the same thing happened, though it didn't help he kept trying to kiss me when I didn't want to be kissed. So yes, I am sixteen. No I do not date. Yes, I have never been kissed. And the vast majority of the time I am perfectly okay with this - It doesn't bother me, and in fact I prefer it. It's a good sense of freedom, you know?
And yet even then throughout all of this, I am still an absolute sap. I'm a hopeless romantic. Mostly? It's just not fair. I have these great and beautiful fantasies of things that I'd want to have happen to me. But I get so scared, and because of that I half think they never will. Maybe my fantasies are far too great to live up to any realistic expectations. Maybe it doesn't help that somewhere in the back of my mind I think there's a part of me that thinks all boys have ulterior motives. Maybe I just think the world is fucked up. I don't know. But it makes me sad to think that I'm so scared of change that it will never happen. And it makes me sad to think that I'll always be alone. There's nothing you can say, no matter who you are, to make me believe otherwise in this sense. I know you're there for me. But sometimes a person needs more.
New blog look?
Eh I kind of like it. I love the banner. That took longer to make than I'd expected for it to, but hey, it came out pretty nice, didn't it? That's a rhetorical question by the way, and so there's no need for you to answer. Unless of course you really do like it to. Then you can shower me with compliments. Haha, kidding, but yeah, I like it. I went all purple-y. But I like purple, yeah, don't you? Again, rhetorical. Purple wins. End of story.
Anyways I figure I might as well go ahead and play around with it. I dunno why but there's something about it that I just can't get right, something about it that's always a little off from what I had actually wanted. It doesn't look bad or anything like that, it just wasn't exactly what I'd been picturing. -sigh- Oh well. It's good enough at least. And it's not like I'm doing anything else at the moment but just sitting here anyways. I painted my fingernails black earlier today and my toenails are sparkly purple (Told you purple wins).
I've got an icy hot patch slapped on my back, because lets face it, back pain is a bitch - and yes, teenagers do get back pain, someone I was talking to the other day, an older lady, seemed surprised by this, and I was like "no shit, sherlock." Of course I didn't say that, I've got more respect for my elders - most of the time at least - but I was just shocked. That's like thinking that only old people have arthritis. That's just stupid - my cousin has it and she isn't even thirty yet. I mean, it's just stupid. Whatever.
I've actually managed to be eating properly the past few weeks and I'm glad of it, and i hope that I keep the streak up. Open house is on Monday, hurrah I guess. I have GOT to get out of that Gargoyle's math class or I'll die, I am NOT dealing with her two years in a row. And I want Honors US history so bad, dammit, I hope we can fix those two details, I mean, seriously. I've got a reeses and a kit kat with me right now, so yay for that. I wish light reflecting off my cell would stop playing tricks on me and making me think I have a text message, because that's getting old. I've finished my summer assignment but read no other books yet this summer, which makes me sad, because I was looking forward to that.
School starts Wednesday and then I'll be back to the monotonous routine of waking up in the mornings, heading to that god forsaken establishment, and then coming home, doing homework, and doing it all over again the next day. And then they wonder why some teens are miserable all the time. Whatever. I think today went well but could have been better. I want to have an amazing day. I really do. Without drama, without panic, even for a moment - I just want to have an amazing day. God, what I would give to have an amazing go at school this year - especially the first week though, dear God help me with the first week. I think if I can just get through that, I'll be setting myself up for a good year. I seriously think that I want to re-read the Harry Potter series from start to finish, for real. I'd have to go and find my copies of all the earlier books though, I think they're downstairs on the family shelves.
And this comes to mind immediately mostly because of the fact that ABC Family is showing their Harry Potter weekend thing that seems to crop up every few weeks or so - they're big on that, and I'm glad, I just wish they were a little more well spaced out? If that even makes any sense. God I've been sneezing a lot lately and I hope I don't have a cold. At the moment I just kind of want to breathe in the smell of menthol and just kind of hold it in my nostrils, rawr. And I keep listening to Freedom by George Michaels and Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears For Fears, and its like... woah. Blast from the past. And so I think that just about sums it up at the moment. Go me, haha.
- Georgiana. <3
Anyways I figure I might as well go ahead and play around with it. I dunno why but there's something about it that I just can't get right, something about it that's always a little off from what I had actually wanted. It doesn't look bad or anything like that, it just wasn't exactly what I'd been picturing. -sigh- Oh well. It's good enough at least. And it's not like I'm doing anything else at the moment but just sitting here anyways. I painted my fingernails black earlier today and my toenails are sparkly purple (Told you purple wins).
I've got an icy hot patch slapped on my back, because lets face it, back pain is a bitch - and yes, teenagers do get back pain, someone I was talking to the other day, an older lady, seemed surprised by this, and I was like "no shit, sherlock." Of course I didn't say that, I've got more respect for my elders - most of the time at least - but I was just shocked. That's like thinking that only old people have arthritis. That's just stupid - my cousin has it and she isn't even thirty yet. I mean, it's just stupid. Whatever.
I've actually managed to be eating properly the past few weeks and I'm glad of it, and i hope that I keep the streak up. Open house is on Monday, hurrah I guess. I have GOT to get out of that Gargoyle's math class or I'll die, I am NOT dealing with her two years in a row. And I want Honors US history so bad, dammit, I hope we can fix those two details, I mean, seriously. I've got a reeses and a kit kat with me right now, so yay for that. I wish light reflecting off my cell would stop playing tricks on me and making me think I have a text message, because that's getting old. I've finished my summer assignment but read no other books yet this summer, which makes me sad, because I was looking forward to that.
School starts Wednesday and then I'll be back to the monotonous routine of waking up in the mornings, heading to that god forsaken establishment, and then coming home, doing homework, and doing it all over again the next day. And then they wonder why some teens are miserable all the time. Whatever. I think today went well but could have been better. I want to have an amazing day. I really do. Without drama, without panic, even for a moment - I just want to have an amazing day. God, what I would give to have an amazing go at school this year - especially the first week though, dear God help me with the first week. I think if I can just get through that, I'll be setting myself up for a good year. I seriously think that I want to re-read the Harry Potter series from start to finish, for real. I'd have to go and find my copies of all the earlier books though, I think they're downstairs on the family shelves.
And this comes to mind immediately mostly because of the fact that ABC Family is showing their Harry Potter weekend thing that seems to crop up every few weeks or so - they're big on that, and I'm glad, I just wish they were a little more well spaced out? If that even makes any sense. God I've been sneezing a lot lately and I hope I don't have a cold. At the moment I just kind of want to breathe in the smell of menthol and just kind of hold it in my nostrils, rawr. And I keep listening to Freedom by George Michaels and Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears For Fears, and its like... woah. Blast from the past. And so I think that just about sums it up at the moment. Go me, haha.
- Georgiana. <3
There's glitter on my lips and it's fallen in my coffee
There's glitter on my lips and it's fallen in my coffee,
Red sparkles drifting about on a sea of melted toffee. ♥
What a productive morning.
Yeah that was my facebook status this morning, mostly because it was all true. I did a make up contest entry for GlamourDollEyes on YouTube. I love the way it turned out though, it's really big and loud and out there. In case you haven't noticed, I like big, loud and out there. It's inspired by Las Vegas - that's the theme at least, but mine personally is based on Phantom of the Opera and Casinos, just in general. I'm really proud of it, and even if I don't win the contest I'd love to hear people tell me what they thought of it.
Though I've been watching Natasha (Myeyeshadowisodd on YouTube) on her BlogTV, all afternoon, and she's totally trashed right now and it's kind of hilarious. She's adorable, and loud and out there. It's just funny xD Ah I should do this more often, it's genuinely amusing to me. And it makes me feel not half as paranoid all the effing time. :) Oh, wonderful.
- Georgiana <3
Red sparkles drifting about on a sea of melted toffee. ♥
What a productive morning.
Yeah that was my facebook status this morning, mostly because it was all true. I did a make up contest entry for GlamourDollEyes on YouTube. I love the way it turned out though, it's really big and loud and out there. In case you haven't noticed, I like big, loud and out there. It's inspired by Las Vegas - that's the theme at least, but mine personally is based on Phantom of the Opera and Casinos, just in general. I'm really proud of it, and even if I don't win the contest I'd love to hear people tell me what they thought of it.
Though I've been watching Natasha (Myeyeshadowisodd on YouTube) on her BlogTV, all afternoon, and she's totally trashed right now and it's kind of hilarious. She's adorable, and loud and out there. It's just funny xD Ah I should do this more often, it's genuinely amusing to me. And it makes me feel not half as paranoid all the effing time. :) Oh, wonderful.
- Georgiana <3
Scene Queens and Drama Kings
Decided to draw an alter-ego of sorts, I suppose you could say. Not much to it but torn leather, combat boots and explosives.
- Georgiana <3
Friday, August 20, 2010
HI VINNY.
Yes. Vinny. xD I've been informed that I need to give him his minute of fame because he is obviously "my favorite black person ever". That is all.
Who is the monster and who is the man?
I guess I just felt the need to write something, and I didn't really know what, or why for that matter. It's funny - should a writer have to know why the want to write something or should they just write it? And if they're just going to write it, does it really matter what they've written unless they had a reason for writing it? I guess my brain is just majorly working over time or something like that, because I just can't seem to catch a break. Like, at all. It feels like I'm about to totally swerve off of my train tracks or something like that, and there's no warning for when its going to happen...
Honestly I think I discovered something true about myself today, and I don't think that I like it. I don't think that I like it one bit: I'm scared of everything. Everything. The only difference being is that sometimes I have more control over my fear than I do at other times... unfortunately "other times" seem to be cropping up more and more and closer together than they used to when I was little... before i learned to be afraid of so many things. For instance, a few minutes ago it occurred to me: I'll be a junior this year, and though sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of excitement about this, there are other times where all I can feel is the utter terror of the idea. And then, in considering that I would be a junior, I realized that we were coming up on the year 2011. Which is only one year away from 2012. Now I try not to be superstitious about that kind of thing, but... I just can't help but be scared of the idea sometimes, you know? I guess in some part of everyone its just natural human instinct. I mean I know there have been 'prophecies' or whatever, time and time again, predicting the end of the world or whatever - I lived through whatever that thing in 1999 was? But I was too young to remember it, or fear it for that matter, I don't think I'd ever even heard of it until last year when mom told me about it. But I just can't shake that uneasy feeling... and I hate it. It stops me from doing so many things that I want to do, or at least try to do.
I went to Williamsburg with my family and I had a panic attack there. Why? I couldn't tell you. Because I wasn't home? I had people I knew there with me, people who loved and cared about me, and even then... even then I was panicked. And at the mall with my BFFL, even then, for a brief while, I got struck by a panic I couldn't place. And even sometimes like now, when I'm sitting in my room, I'll be at home, in a place I'm so familiar with, and even then there's no totally escaping it. I am so sick of it holding me back, but I just can't seem to do anything more about it - and trust me, dammit, have I tried.
And do you know, do you know what makes it worse? When I say I'm having a panic attack and people are just like "Calm down!" Well you know what, FUCK THAT. It doesn't work like that, not at all! If I had the ability to make myself be calm, trust me, I would be doing it already! I mean, who wants to feel that way? Its not like I have a choice in the matter or anything like that, and its not like I can just "calm down". People don't get that it seriously hurts... I become physically sick. I pass out sometimes. I just.. hate how people can't honestly take an emotional problem as something that can seriously make you sick. But you know what? I wouldn't, not for one day, honestly wish that kind of pain on someone. I wouldn't. Because it wouldn't be right, and I'd feel terrible knowing that I'd inflicted it on someone else. Do I want them to understand, yeah, fuck yeah, but I mean... that would just be terrible to suffer through. Trust me, I know.
And on another note: People who make decisions, and make choices, have to live with their consequences. So if you realize that, why do you keep trying to change it without changing a damn thing? Because it doesn't work that way. It goes one way, or it goes the other. It doesn't help to say you're sorry when you're not, because if you were honestly sorry you would feel like you'd made a mistake, and you'd change it. But you don't think you've made a mistake, and so it doesn't matter how much you miss me. It's not like you're sorry. Just because you're sad doesn't mean that you're sorry. And it doesn't mean that you've tried to fix a damn thing. You're theo ne at fault here, no one else, and to be honest the only reason no one has said a damn thing about it is because they're afraid of hurting someone's feelings - not necessarily yours. But in general, of ruining everything. Not like there's much left to ruin anyways, it's basically gone through the mill once or twice. But seriously, a wake up call is needed, and were it not for the sake of having to preserve feelings here, trust me, you would be getting one. This isn't me trying to be mean. But seriously? Seriously. Wake up. Hypocrisy doesn't flatter you, and excuses are getting old.
Georgiana <3
Honestly I think I discovered something true about myself today, and I don't think that I like it. I don't think that I like it one bit: I'm scared of everything. Everything. The only difference being is that sometimes I have more control over my fear than I do at other times... unfortunately "other times" seem to be cropping up more and more and closer together than they used to when I was little... before i learned to be afraid of so many things. For instance, a few minutes ago it occurred to me: I'll be a junior this year, and though sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of excitement about this, there are other times where all I can feel is the utter terror of the idea. And then, in considering that I would be a junior, I realized that we were coming up on the year 2011. Which is only one year away from 2012. Now I try not to be superstitious about that kind of thing, but... I just can't help but be scared of the idea sometimes, you know? I guess in some part of everyone its just natural human instinct. I mean I know there have been 'prophecies' or whatever, time and time again, predicting the end of the world or whatever - I lived through whatever that thing in 1999 was? But I was too young to remember it, or fear it for that matter, I don't think I'd ever even heard of it until last year when mom told me about it. But I just can't shake that uneasy feeling... and I hate it. It stops me from doing so many things that I want to do, or at least try to do.
I went to Williamsburg with my family and I had a panic attack there. Why? I couldn't tell you. Because I wasn't home? I had people I knew there with me, people who loved and cared about me, and even then... even then I was panicked. And at the mall with my BFFL, even then, for a brief while, I got struck by a panic I couldn't place. And even sometimes like now, when I'm sitting in my room, I'll be at home, in a place I'm so familiar with, and even then there's no totally escaping it. I am so sick of it holding me back, but I just can't seem to do anything more about it - and trust me, dammit, have I tried.
And do you know, do you know what makes it worse? When I say I'm having a panic attack and people are just like "Calm down!" Well you know what, FUCK THAT. It doesn't work like that, not at all! If I had the ability to make myself be calm, trust me, I would be doing it already! I mean, who wants to feel that way? Its not like I have a choice in the matter or anything like that, and its not like I can just "calm down". People don't get that it seriously hurts... I become physically sick. I pass out sometimes. I just.. hate how people can't honestly take an emotional problem as something that can seriously make you sick. But you know what? I wouldn't, not for one day, honestly wish that kind of pain on someone. I wouldn't. Because it wouldn't be right, and I'd feel terrible knowing that I'd inflicted it on someone else. Do I want them to understand, yeah, fuck yeah, but I mean... that would just be terrible to suffer through. Trust me, I know.
And on another note: People who make decisions, and make choices, have to live with their consequences. So if you realize that, why do you keep trying to change it without changing a damn thing? Because it doesn't work that way. It goes one way, or it goes the other. It doesn't help to say you're sorry when you're not, because if you were honestly sorry you would feel like you'd made a mistake, and you'd change it. But you don't think you've made a mistake, and so it doesn't matter how much you miss me. It's not like you're sorry. Just because you're sad doesn't mean that you're sorry. And it doesn't mean that you've tried to fix a damn thing. You're theo ne at fault here, no one else, and to be honest the only reason no one has said a damn thing about it is because they're afraid of hurting someone's feelings - not necessarily yours. But in general, of ruining everything. Not like there's much left to ruin anyways, it's basically gone through the mill once or twice. But seriously, a wake up call is needed, and were it not for the sake of having to preserve feelings here, trust me, you would be getting one. This isn't me trying to be mean. But seriously? Seriously. Wake up. Hypocrisy doesn't flatter you, and excuses are getting old.
Georgiana <3
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